An Unexpected Discernment
The time I listened to my soul and ended up with a puppy.
Hi, I’m Debbie, a spiritual director, writer, host and mother based in Glasgow. I offer stories, ponderings and gentle invitations to share a moment with your soul.
Hello friends,
I want to tell you about choosing myself. Stories have soaked in through the soles of my feet about service and sacrifice and selfishness. A narrative about what a Good Life is and what it is not. A tale that finds me at the brink of burnout in the search for enough. Enough work, enough giving. A voice I’ve had to diminish each time I chose something based on my own desires.
I have often been haunted by the feeling that I should be living life differently, being elsewhere, doing more. I think it’s a drive installed from evangelical culture, to always be serving and seeking opportunities to help and give what I have. But these days, the still small voice is asking me to be here, in my actual life, present to my own people. Yes, living with eyes open, and offering what I can to the world. But not at the expense of myself.
One favourite memory of my Retreat in Daily Life last year was sitting at my back door on a quiet day when the kids were away, the winter sun on my face, a cup of tea in hand. As I sat there I journaled ‘part of the journey has been accepting who I am, where I am, limited, longing to be here’. In that peaceful moment an acceptance trickled in of my actual imperfect life.
So when the conversation about a puppy came around again in May, towards the end of my Retreat, I didn’t come up with my usual objections. (People are allergic, they’re scared of dogs, it could make our home less comfortable for others). I saw the opportunity it would give to ground me here, in my immediate vicinity. The rhythm and limitation of being home and being outdoors fitted with my desires to lay down my striving and proving. Paul and I are not known for impulsive or quick decision making, but this choice seemed to make itself. Folks often come to the Exercises of St Ignatius looking for help to make a life decision; getting a pet was not the decision I expected to discern!
Past Debbie would have found it self-indulgent: spending that time and money on something that doesn’t add to my value to the world. But what if it does? What if an injection of joyful play and a peaceful rhythm of walks and being home will help me to be my whole self in the world? And perhaps it’s ok just to make a choice simply because it’s something I want?
Choosing to listen deeply to myself I hear a Divine whisper and I know it’s not such a juxtaposition between the outward and the inward. Ignatius teaches that God is found in our deepest desires. I listen to myself, to the Spirit, to my neighbour, to my children. I can rest, I can play, I can work. I can breathe in and breathe out. Balance is not the word I’m looking for: it’s synergy, wholeness, life.
And so I continue to learn to rest and to listen to myself. Lomond and I have a pact to go for a walk in our little local forest every Thursday. This is the day I work from home and hunch over the computer trying to get a hundred things done. Lomond takes me for a walk to stretch my legs, rest my brain and be present. A gentle weekly reminder to pause, to play and to be here, just as I am.
Where you are (however unchosen) is the place of blessing
How you are (however broken) is the place of grace
Who you are (in your becoming) is your place in the Kingdom
- Rainer Maria Rilke from The River
This is the fourth and final part in my mini-series about my experience with the nine. month Retreat in Daily Life with The Exercises of St Ignatius. Find the Introduction here, the stone here and the wee book of tiny prayers here.
Life circumstances and seasons shift; questions arise, asking us to reform our foundations; decisions are made but not yet enacted. We find ourselves In Between what has been and what will come.
What does it look like to rest here in the mystery and mess?
During this online retreat we will wonder together how to rest here in the In Between places of our lives. We will name our shifts and uncertainties and offer ourselves a compassionate pause. We will gather with poems, prayers and ancient wisdom, we’ll reflect and journal off screen, and we’ll hold one another’s stories in small groups.
Get cosy with a hot drink, a blanket and a journal and come along on Sunday February 23rd 7:30-9:30pm UK time. I’ll be co-facilitating this time with my friend and fellow spiritual director Fiona Koefoed-Jesperson.
Here’s A Blessing of Rest from Jan Richardson’s Women’s Christmas Retreat, featuring a dog walk in the forest, which has come to be my Rest in the In Between.
Thank you for reading and for being here with me. I always love to hear from you in the comments, or just hit reply if you’re reading this in your inbox.
With love and hopes for wholeheartedness,
Debbie
P.S. If you’d like to join us on Iona this May, there’s still room for you.
Thank you for communicating this so beautifully Debbie! I think I have had similar moments where I am able to pause and see myself more clearly with the dark and the light, and still hold space for myself (and my wants etc). I'm also so glad that Lomond was the product of you really seeing your own desires, he's a wonderpup
This was exactly what I needed to read tonight Debbie, thank you.