Gathering Ourselves & Gathering Together
December 2023
Hello friends,
I hear a lot of weariness just now. My body is tired and my mind is full this month, I suspect yours may be too. Here’s some space to check in with ourselves and to consider the festive weeks ahead.
I host a monthly Sunday Soul Session in my home. It’s a time for quiet reflection, playful creativity and warm conversation, and this Substack started as an overflow of that space. Sunday Soul Sessions reconvened in November for the first time after an extended summer break. Maybe make yourself a cuppa, light a candle and grab a blanket and journal to take a wee moment with some ponderings and prompts from our Soul Session theme of Gathering.
gather verb:
to bring together and take in from scattered places or sources.
to come together; assemble or accumulate.
Gathering Ourselves
First let’s take a moment to gather our own scattered selves. Busy lives, to do lists and the constant noise make it hard for me to listen to myself1. A friend introduced me to this tool and I find it a helpful one to check in with myself and my needs.
William Glasser’s Choice Theory includes 5 different human needs, an alternative to Maslow’s Hierarchy. The first Need is Survival, covering our basic human needs. The other four are: Love & Belonging, Power & Competence, Freedom and Fun. We can see each of these needs as tanks which can be filled and depleted.
Love and Belonging. Our need for connection, to feel cared for, to be able to care for others and to be accepted.
Power & Competence. Our need for significance, to achieve, to be listened to, to be skilled, to have self-worth.
Freedom. Our need for independence, autonomy, choice, control of one’s life.
Fun. We fill our fun tank with play, pleasure and learning.
Different seasons and circumstances present challenges to fill certain tanks. When I consider the need for Freedom, I’m cast back to my days cemented to the sofa breastfeeding twins. Our tanks fill and drop at different times, often due to matters outside of our control. The aim is not to have them All Full All The Time but to consider them, name the needs we notice, and pay attention to any possible paths onward.
Take some time considering each of these tanks in your life…
What fills each tank for you?
Which ones are harder to fill?
Is there anything you could do to express those needs, or simple things you could do to fill your tank a little?
You could write about this, or if you’d like to do some creative journalling you could draw jars or tanks and colour them in as you think about what fills them. Here’s a worksheet which you are welcome to print or copy into your journal.
Gathering Together
I wonder how you’re feeling one week before Christmas. Excited? Overwhelmed? Anxious? Cautious? All of these? And as you considered the prompt above, I wonder what needs you have noticed in your own life as it is today?
Now that we’ve taken a moment to gather ourselves, let’s think about gathering with others. At each Sunday Soul Session we consider a theme, I think of these themes as Wells. They are concepts, aspects, parts of life that lead us deeper into connection with ourselves when we take a moment to pause there and have a drink. Gathering leads us towards connection with others as well as ourselves.
Priya Parker has been one of my favourite Literary Mentors this year, I met her through Katherine May’s podcast and quickly moved on to her book The Art of Gathering. I was buzzing as I learned more, it is my heart work to hold meaningful spaces, or ‘temporary alternative worlds’ as Priya Parker suggests.
Gathering is soulful work, connecting and creating meaning is a desire so many of us have. Gatherings can also be draining and complicated, especially when weighed with the expectation of this time of year. As we consider the needs we’ve noticed in ourselves, let’s listen to this invitation from Priya Parker’s Gathering in Tender Times post…
“This season, especially in the midst of so much loss and grief in the world, I invite you to ask yourself how you might gather in ways that are nourishing for you and the people around you.” - Priya Parker
This is not to add more work to an already hectic time. But instead to pay attention to our own needs and consider how we might nurture ourselves as we gather and rest. I have a few suggestions here to spark your thoughts, hold on to what resonates for you.
Did you notice a need for play? Waving my arms around for ‘Just Dance’ is always my answer to that need, but I wonder what play looks like for you? Are there gatherings you’ll be part of where you could invite some fun?2
Perhaps you noticed a Belonging need for genuine connection; what questions could you ask, moments could you lean in to, or honesty could you offer to help foster connection?
Or is your Power & Competence tank running low? I hope you can see all the tasks you’ve already completed this month amongst the to-dos. Perhaps pause and notice what you’re proud of yourself for in 2023. We love to take time to reflect back on 2023 as part of our Hogmanay (New Year’s) gathering, more on this next week.
There can be a lot of obligation at this time of year, which impacts our sense of Freedom & Choice. Priya Parker suggests
‘you can RSVP with a “chosen yes” or a “connected no.”’
How can we gather in a way that respects others while also honouring our own needs for freedom and choice? Maybe this is about communicating our boundaries, or using the windows we get to make choices that feel good for us.
A Prompt
As you consider the needs you’re noticing in yourself, let your imagination flow and create a magical gathering that could nourish yourself and those around you.
Who is the gathering for?
What is it called?
Where would it be?
How would it begin and end?
Is there anything you could borrow from this for your real life gatherings in the next few weeks?
If you want more encouragement towards embodied care for your own self I loved this post from Kaitlyn Curtice3.
May you be nourished in your gatherings and in the quiet, and may you be awake to moments of peace and joy in the midst.
With love,
Debbie
As an Enneagram 2 I am also fully in denial of having any needs of my own.
Her books Winter’s Gifts and Living Resistance will both be wrapped under our Christmas tree this year.
Beautiful, and so helpful.
Thank you for this which I have dipped into and hope to come back to. There are questions in there which a voice tells me I need to sit with and reflect on. Thanks Debbie!